H.A.N.D!
                              Have A Nice Day!
                           May, 1997 - Issue #20
                                      
                                    :-)
                                      
                 "Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half!""
                                      
   ***---***
   The HAND! Mission Statement
   The HAND! mission is simple - we're trying to brighten up this world!
   For 20 months (from October '95 until May '97), we'll be publishing a
   free, two page newsletter of clean, funny jokes and quotes. Overall we
   hope to brighten a few people's day and, if we're lucky, promote the
   philosophy of "People Helping People." In this world that seems to be
   always having a crisis or two, we hope that our little newsletter will
   remind everyone that the best way to help ourselves is to help each
   other.
   
   Well this is it! This is Issue 20, our last issue! Looking back, I
   can't believe it was over a year and a half ago that I got the silly
   idea of HAND!! Keep laughing and best wishes! - Editor.
   ***---***
   
   . IRS agent to errant taxpayer: "But that's just the point, sir. We do
   plan to make a federal case out of it."
   
   . A boy goes over to a girl's house for the first time. She shows him
   into the living room and excuses herself so she can go to the kitchen
   to make a few drinks. While he is standing alone, he notices a cute
   little vase on the mantel. He picks it up and as he's holding it, the
   girl walks back in. "What's this?" he asked.
   "Oh, my father's ashes are in there," she replies.
   "Jeez... oooh... I..."
   "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
   
   . "No Children Allowed" -- A sign in a hospital maternity ward.
   
   . Uncle Bob was hauled into court for hitting Aunt Billie with an
   oak leaf. "How can you bring a man in for hitting someone with an oak
   leaf?" asked the judge.
   "Well," said the cop, "It was the leaf from his dining room table!"
   
   . Two sheep are standing on a Welsh hilltop.
   One turns to the other and says, "Baaaaaah!"
   The other replies, "Darn - I was just going to say that! "
   
   . Aunt Billie received a package from a local computer company. The
   postman had squeezed it though the mail slot even though it was
   marked, "Floppy disks - Do Not Bend,". In addition he had written, "Oh
   yes they do!"
   
   . As our plane was landing, the steward announced: "Please remain
   seated until the plane stops. We don't want anyone arriving at the
   airport before the plane does."
   
   . A blue ship and a red ship collide at sea. The survivors were
   marooned.
   
   . A Southern redneck was involved in a car accident. A police officer
   asked him, "Didn't you see that yield sign when you were merging onto
   the highway?" The redneck replied, "Ahh, sure I did... and I did it...
   I Yieeeld and Yieeeld at that there truck, he justa kepp on comin'!!!"
   
   . While my mother was in the hospital, she was moved into the hall so
   the staff could clean her room. Still there after a few hours, she was
   frustrated and asked another patient (who had been moved out for the
   same reason) how long she'd been there. "Almost two years," the lady
   replied, thinking Mom had asked how long she'd been in the hospital.
   
   "Well," said my Mother, "I suppose I shouldn't complain."
   
   . An on-duty policeman and another gentleman were both interested in
   adopting the same dog from the SPCA where I work. I told both
   customers that they'd have to draw for the pet. The uniformed officer
   stepped back from the counter, put his hand on his hip just above his
   service revolver and with a grin drawled, "That suits me just fine."
   
   . Drill Sergeant: K Anderson!
   Private: Yes sir!
   Drill Sergeant: A Peterson!
   Private : Yes sir!
   Drill Sergeant : T Simpson!
   Private : No thanks, sir, coffee would be nice...
   
   . Uncle Bob's Wise Words
   * Cross the river, then insult the crocodiles.
   * As easy as 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716
   * You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the
   cake.
   * In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.
   * Some minds should be cultivated, others plowed under.
   * The Rings of Saturn are made entirely of lost airline luggage.
   * What you're telling me is a matter of major insignificance.
   * Ulcers are something you get from mountain climbing over molehills.
   * It is not speeding if there are still cars in front of you.
   * You are not abusing drugs if you store them in a cool, dry place and
   never yell at them.
   * It isn't vote fraud unless you can prove those dead guys would have
   voted the other way.
   * I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
   And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect
   it.
   * A penny saved is just another darn thing for the cat to knock off of
   the dresser.
   * I know a fellow who makes only mental bets. The other day he lost
   his mind.
   * Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and
   heavier.
   * Door: What a cat is perpetually on the wrong side of.
   * Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
   * There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
   * If you believe in telekinesis, please raise my hand.
   * "I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV..."
   
   . Aunt Billie's Really, Really, Really Interesting Questions
   * If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
   * Why don't ease, lease, and please sound alike?
   * Why isn't "palindrome" spelled "palindromeemordnilap"?
   * Why are Chinese fortune cookies written in English?
   * What does ignorant mean?
   * How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
   * Why am I asking all these things?
   
   . Steven Wright:
   * Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
   * I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car
   going really fast, and stick it out the window.
   * I have a map of the United States ... it's original size ... it says
   one mile equals one mile.
   * Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
   * I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold
   out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to
   be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
   
   . Joe, a lawyer, died suddenly at the age of 45. He got to the
   gates of Heaven and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting
   a long time for you."
   
   "What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life.
   Why did I have to die now?"
   
   "45? You're not 45, you're 102," replied the angel.
   
   "Wait a minute. If you think I'm 102 then you have the wrong guy. I'm
   only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
   
   "Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and he disappeared inside.
   After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you
   are 102. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you
   have to be 102..."
   
   . Top 10 Answering Machine Messages
   1 - Deadpan voice: Hi, This is Dave. Please leave a message as soon as
   possible and I'll get back to you at the sound of the tone.
   
   2 - Bob here. I'm home right now, I'm just screening my calls. Start
   talking and if you're someone I want to speak with I'll pick up the
   phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?
   
   3 - Hello, this is David. I don't live here, so if you were trying to
   call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you
   were trying to call John, Jim, or Eric, please leave your name and
   number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you
   back -- only that I won't.
   
   4 - Bridge, Kirk here.
   
   5 - (Noisy pick-up of phone.) Hi, I'm a burglar and I was just about
   to steal Troy's answering machine. If you give me your name and number
   I'll... Uh, I'll post it on the fridge where he'll see it. Uh... By
   the way, where did you say you live?
   
   6 - Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
   
   7 - You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on
   and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We
   aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine
   simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have
   to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call
   me..
   
   8 - I'm gone.
   
   9 - You have reached 555-6238. Why?
   
   10 - I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
   to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this
   message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER,
   except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it...
   I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
   
   . Computer Terms as defined by Rural Canadians
   
   Log On Making the wood stove hotter.
   Log Off Don't add wood.
   Monitor Keep an eye on the wood stove.
   Download Getting the firewood off the pickup.
   Mega Hertz When you're not careful downloading (watch the toes!)
   Floppy Disk What you get from piling too much wood.
   RAM The hydraulic thingy that makes the wood splitter work.
   Hard Drive Getting home in mud season.
   Prompt What you wish the mail was in mud season.
   Windows What to shut when it's 30 below.
   Screen What you need for black fly season.
   Byte What black flies do.
   Chip What to munch on.
   Micro Chip What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.
   Infrared Where the leftovers go when Fred's around.
   Modem What you did to the hay fields.
   Dot Matrix Farmer Matrix's wife.
   Lap Top Where little kids feel comfy.
   Keyboard Where you hang your keys.
   Software Plastic eating utensils.
   Mouse What eats the horses' grain in the barn.
   Main Frame The part of the barn that holds the roof up.
   Port Fancy wine.
   Enter C'mon in!
   
   . Top 'Fore' Ways to Make Golf More Exciting
   1 - Roaming the course: real, live, bloodthirsty pirates.
   2 - When somebody's about to putt, announcer screams, "Let's get ready
   to rumble!"
   3 - Have a minister, a priest, and a rabbi play -- that always turns
   out hilarious.
   4 - Replace sand traps with bear traps.
   
   . A woman stopped the milkman one morning and asked if she could have
   her milk bill. The milkman got quite annoyed and told her angrily that
   his name was Eric.
   
   . Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more.
   What Charlie thought was H20 was H2S04.
   
   . What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.
   
   . Father to Son: Marriages are made in heaven, but remember, so are
   thunder and lightning.
   
   . He's not stupid, he's...
   
   A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
   A day late and a dollar short.
   A few bricks short of a wall.
   A few clowns short of a circus.
   A few clues shy of a solution.
   A few feathers short of a whole duck.
   A few points short of a polygon.
   A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
   A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
   A few volts below threshold.
   A prime candidate for natural deselection.
   A room temperature IQ.
   A walking argument for birth control.
   All foam. no beer.
   An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
   Answers the door when the phone rings.
   Any slower and he'd be in reverse.
   A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
   Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
   Not the brightest penny in the jar.
   Dumber than a box of hair.
   Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
   Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
   An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
   Chimney is clogged.
   Her sewing machine is out of thread.
   His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
   If he had another brain it would be lonely.
   Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
   No grain in the silo.
   Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
   
   . Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
   are no longer interested to listen?"
   Student: "A Teacher."
   
   . Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's
   cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his
   father didn't punish him?"
   Student: "Because George probably still had the axe in his hand."
   
   . What's the quietest place in the world?
   The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
   
   . Skill Testing Questions
   
   Questions:
   1 - Do they have a 4th of July in England?
   2 - How many birthdays does the average man have?
   3 - Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
   4 - A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister,
   but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
   5 - Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
   6 - How many outs are there in an inning?
   7 - Is it legal for a man to marry his widow's sister? Why?
   8 - Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number
   of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
   9 - Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
   10 - A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have
   southern exposure. A big bear walks by. What color is the bear? Why?
   11 - If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
   12 - I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What
   are the coins?
   13 - If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there
   was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which
   one would you light first?
   14 - How far can a dog run into the woods?
   15 - How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
   
   Answers:
   1 - Yes
   2 - One
   3 - All of them (12)
   4 - The beggar is her sister.
   5 - He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
   6 - 6
   7 - No - because he is dead.
   8 - They aren't playing each other.
   9 - 70
   10 - White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
   11 - 2
   12 - 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
   13 - The match.
   14 - Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
   15 - None - Noah took them on the ark.
   
   . Sign spotted at a grocery store's checkout counter: "This is an
   express line. You are allowed 15 items or less. The number 15 is not
   subject to negotiation."
   
   . Things you do not want to hear in surgery
   * "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
   * "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
   * "Sparky! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
   * "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
   * "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
   * "FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!"
   * "Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"
   * "I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."
   * "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff
   before?"
   * "Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my
   concentration off."
   * "Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?"
   * "Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of
   nature."
   * "Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"
   * "Psss! Com'on and watch. Uncle Bob is going to scare the surgeon!"
   
   . After fighting a nasty house fire all night, the members of our
   volunteer fire department were using their last ounce of energy to
   follow my order of "Roll hoses!" I watched one of our youngest
   members, Uncle Bob, stoop over and paw at the road. He realized how
   exhausted he was when he became aware that the hose he was trying to
   pick up was the yellow line in the centre of the street.
   
   . The Signs You're Too Stressed
   * Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest
   that
   you should get some rest.
   * You can achieve a "runner's high" just by sitting up.
   * Trees begin chasing you.
   * You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
   * You and Reality file for a divorce.
   * Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
   * You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip
   solution
   of espresso.
   * You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption
   of
   coffee.
   
   . Humpty dumpty was pushed!
   
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