H.A.N.D!
                              Have A Nice Day!
                          December, 1995 - Issue 3
                                      
                                    :-)
                                      
    "Warranty does not cover damage from projectiles, which can include,
   but not be limited to: arrows, bullets, shot, BB's, shrapnel, lasers,
    napalm, torpedoes, knives, stones or emissions of Alpha, Beta, Gamma
                                or X rays."
                                      
   . A man once counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life,
   the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn flakes every
   morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93.
   When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-grand
   children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
   . Despite the prohibition of gambling in New York, 4 men were caught
   with cards in their hands and money on the table. Three of them were
   priests and one was a Rabbi.
   The police inspector asked the three priests separately if they were
   gambling and they all denied it. He believed them, since they were men
   of the cloth. But he was determined to get the Rabbi, so he turned to
   him and said,
   "It must be you who was gambling then!"
   The Rabbi replied, "But my friend, who with?"
   . I feel sorry for the guy who...
   ...made a screen door for a submarine!
   ...was a stowaway on a Kamikaze plane!
   ...ordered a soup sandwich!
   ...ejected from a Helicopter!
   ...was a snake charmer with a deaf Cobra!
   . Doctor : I have some bad news and some very bad news.
   Patient : Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
   Doctor : The lab called with your tests results. They said you have 24
   hours to live.
   Patient : 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse? What's the
   very bad news?
   Doctor : I've been trying to reach you since yesterday!
   . Announcement in a church bulletin: 'Ladies, don't forget our garage
   sale. This is a good time to get rid of things not worth keeping. Be
   sure to bring your husbands.'
   . One night the captain of a Navy ship saw the light of another ship
   on a collision course. He radioed to the other ship, "Please divert
   your course 15 degrees left to avoid a collision."
   "You divert your course 15 degrees to right to avoid a collision,"
   came the reply.
   "I am the captain if a US Navy frigate. You divert your course. "
   "No, you divert your course."
   "This is a large warship of the US Navy, divert your course now!!"
   "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
   . A priest was walking along a beautiful beach when he came upon two
   locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I
   like to see," said the priest, "Man helping his fellow man."
   As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he
   sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
   . In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was
   leaving for a crusade and called for his squire. "I'm leaving for the
   crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years,
   I haven't returned, you may use the key." The knight set out on the
   dusty road, armoured from head to toe, and took one last look at his
   castle. He saw the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling,
   "Stop! Stop! You gave me the wrong key!"
   . A man who was irritating the stewardess on a flight to Dallas asked,
   "How often do planes of this airline crash?"
   He instantly received the reply, "Only once."
   . Aunt Billie's Really, Really, Really Interesting Questions:
   * How come every time the government hammers out a budget we're the
   ones who get nailed?
   * Why is it that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen
   to weather forecasts and economists?
   * Do you remember when atmospheric contaminants were romantically
   called stardust?
   * I hate talking cars. A voice out of nowhere says things like, "Your
   door is ajar." Why don't they say something really useful, like
   "There's a state trooper hiding behind that bush?"
   * When a doctor himself needs doctoring so that another doctor doctors
   the doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the doctor the
   way the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor
   doing the doctoring of the doctor being doctored doctor as he wants to
   doctor?
   . This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody
   and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was
   sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody
   did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
   Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that
   Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody
   when Nobody did what Anybody could have.
   . Billy-Bob, a Calgary trucker, takes off for a quick holiday in
   Florida before driving back to Regina for the Gray Cup. He's about to
   jump in the surf, but, hey, he's in Florida, so he figures he'd better
   check out the alligator situation.
   "Nope, no gaters here." says a local.
   Billy-Bob is way out in the water, when his brain kicks in again. "How
   come there's no gators?" he yells back to the fella on the shore.
   "They're afraid of the sharks," yells the local.
   . A novice parachutist couldn't open his chute on his first jump. As
   he was falling toward the ground, he saw another individual flying
   upward past him. Calling out to the passerby, he said, "Do you know
   anything about parachutes?"
   The man going up replied, "No ... do you know anything about gas
   stoves?"
   . This old guy was sitting at the bar sobbing with the odd tear
   dropping in his beer. "I got married to a lovely young widow last
   week," he explained to the barman. "She is a great cook, keeps my
   clothes in great nick and is insatiable in bed", he said "Then why the
   hell are you crying?" said the barman. "Because I can't remember where
   I live," cried the old man.
   (Uncle Bob Goes Ballistic!!!)
   . Uncle Bob's Wise Words:
   1 - Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you
   are.
   2 - Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much
   fraternising with the enemy.
   3 - People today vacation in places you formerly got to only by being
   drafted or shipwrecked.
   4 - Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their
   maker.
   5 - I have several hobbies I enjoy to the fullest. I have a large sea
   shell collection I keep scattered on all the beaches all over the
   world. Maybe you've seen it?
   6 - A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to
   admire his work.
   7 - You know you're old if you can remember when radios plugged in and
   toothbrushes didn't.
   8 - A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she
   winks back.
   9 - Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
   10 - A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks. By that time his
   eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.
   11 - A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand
   two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
   12 - If you have trouble going to sleep at night, lie at the very edge
   of the bed ... you'll soon drop off.
   13 - The careful application of terror is also a form of
   communication.
   14 - The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
   15 - The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
   16 - There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
   17 - If at first you don't succeed ... well so much for sky diving.
   18 - Ever notice that the Jolly Green Giant stands around laughing his
   head off while the little people do all the work canning vegetables!?
   
                            [HAND! Information]
                                      
                        Back to the HAND! Home Page