H.A.N.D!
                              Have A Nice Day!
                            May, 1996 - Issue 8
                                      
                                    :-)
                                      
                  "Jokes subject to change without notice"
                                      
   . "People who claim they don't let little things bother them have
   never slept in a tent with a single mosquito." -- Anonymous
   . It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he
   needed to confess, so went to the local priest.
   "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a Jew in my
   attic."
   "Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
   "But I charged him for 20 Gulden for every week he stayed there."
   "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
   "Yes, but I haven't told him that the war is over."
   . A sailor limped into sickbay with a cast on his leg, and the doctor
   gave him a huge pill. Just then another sailor came in, and the doctor
   left the first patient. The sailor limped over to the sink and choked
   down the pill. Then the doctor returned with a bucket and said, "Now
   drop that pill in the bucket and we'll soak your foot."
   . A man goes to the doctor and says:
   "It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side)
   "And when I press here" (pressing the other side)
   "And here" (his leg)
   "And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms)
   So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was
   wrong. He exclaimed, "You've got a broken finger!"
   . Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were
   broadcast all over the world. -- Steven Wright
   . Calvin Coolidge probably did less talking than any other President
   of the United States. A Washington hostess once boasted she could make
   President Coolidge talk. One night at a dinner party, she tried to
   make her boast good.
   "Oh, Mr. President," she said, "I have just made a bet that I can make
   you say at least three words."
   And Mr. Coolidge replied, "You lose."
   . Wife to her friend, "I'll never forget the first time I saw Andy. He
   was standing on a hill, his hair was blowing in the breeze, and he was
   too proud to run after it."
   . A man went to the doctor and told him that he had swallowed five
   silver dollars about two years before. The doctor was puzzled and
   asked, "If you swallowed them two years ago, why are you just coming
   to me now?"
   "It's this way, Doc," replied the man, "I never needed the money
   before now."
   . Two men were busy boasting to each other. The first continued,
   "...Why, I can get in my truck first thing in the morning and drive
   all day before I reach the other side of my property."
   The second guy replied, "I used to have a truck like that, too!"
   . A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. "Are
   you hiring any help?" she asked.
   "No," the manager replied. "We already have all the staff we need."
   "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?" she asked.
   . A household maid had just been fired. Extracting five dollars from
   her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her
   former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. That was for
   helping me clean the dishes all this time."
   . Scientist #1: "I've found a liquid that will eat through anything!"
   Scientist #2: "That's great!"
   Scientist #1: "Yeah, but for some reason I can't find anything to hold
   it in..."
   . Aunt Billie's Really, Really, Really Interesting Questions:
   * Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't
   drink and drive?
   * Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
   parachutes?
   * How does the guy who drives the snowplows get to work in the
   mornings?
   * Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
   * Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
   . Because of a dense fog, a Mississippi steamboat had to stop at the
   mouth of the river. A woman passenger demanded to know the cause of
   the delay. "I can't see up the river," the captain replied. "Fog's too
   thick."
   "But I can see the stars overhead," the woman pointed out.
   "Yes," the captain growled, "but unless the boilers explode, we're not
   going that way!"
   . Uncle Bob's Wise Words:
   * I can levitate birds but nobody cares.
   * For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
   * Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
   * 3/4 of Canadians make up 75% of the population.
   * I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds
   me and brings me back.
   . Question: Two trains are travelling down a 100 mile stretch of
   track. If one train is going 60 miles per hour and the other train is
   travelling 40 miles per hour, where will the engineers meet?
   A: In the hospital.
   . "Dad , can you write in darkness?"
   "Oh yeah son! I used to do it in my college days."
   "Well , I will switch off the lights. You can then sign my report
   card..."
   . Overheard: "My great grandfather came to Canada seeking freedom. It
   didn't work. My great grandmother came over on the very next boat."
   . Two mice were chatting in a laboratory: "And how are you getting on
   with your professor?" one asked the other.
   "Oh excellently," he answered. "I have him thoroughly trained. Every
   time I ring the bell, he gives me food!"
   . 16 Fun Things To Do in a Final That Does Not Matter
   (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you
   get on the final exam)
   1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
   minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, I'd better get cracking" and do some
   gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early and comment how easy
   the exam was on your way out.
   2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got
   the secret documents!!"
   3. Make paper air planes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
   left nostril.
   4. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
   your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
   SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a
   jerk the instructor is.
   5. Bring pets.
   6. Bring cheerleaders.
   7. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
   very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
   Christmas!" If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
   Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
   8. Write the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
   9. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
   head, and nothing else.
   10. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one,
   make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
   11. Bring a water pistol with you. Enough said.
   12. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
   the instructor's requests for you to stop.
   13. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
   14. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
   15. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent
   to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
   16. During the exam, take apart everything around you: desks, chairs,
   anything you can reach.
   
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